I could definitely tell that your topic is something really important to you. Your perfectionism was related not just to schoolwork but other things in your everyday life too—like basketball, practice, etc. You could go even more in depth with that. By emphasizing this more in each activity, I could better see how you eventually evolve as well. You stated in your writing process response that you really struggled to find a good topic, but I can see how this one will turn into something meaningful. I look forward to hearing the different twist that you already have in mind.
I would like if you added more about basketball toward the end of the narrative. I know you and basketball are great friends, so it’d be nice to see you go back to that and explain how that has also developed. I also would enjoy reading more specific, personal anecdotes. You mention basketball at the beginning and do a great job of explaining the settings, but it would help if you added why these things are relevant to you. (ie a specific event at Kalamazoo that made you realize you were changing, or a time at your small school that made you think differently).
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